i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
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Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
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i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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