Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
