I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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