I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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