I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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