I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
