dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
