So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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