Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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