the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
