I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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