There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
