If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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