How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The best revenge is premature balding
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
