All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
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I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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