we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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