if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
