so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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