he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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