I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
