I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize