her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize