i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
