I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Hippo gnu deer
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
