my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
