finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
