Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
