its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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