how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
