haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
