And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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