Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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