I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
