Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
