Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital