I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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