i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
