Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?