Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube