hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...