That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
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I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?