We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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