The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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