apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
