i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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