My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
