Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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