Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
