watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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