I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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