her facebook's as public as her vagina
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
