when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
