Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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