Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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