I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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