Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
