Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Boobs are out for the taking
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
