Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
