I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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