batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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