Cold hands, warm shart.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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